Thoughts by Edward
by Aine Fiona
Summary: Edward's thoughts are jumbled along with his actions...AF
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the _Twilight_ characters used in this fic story

_Why is it always so difficult?_ Edward found himself thinking every time he sat in the peace and quiet, alone. _But yet it isn't…yet, it's the easiest, most real thing in the entire world to do. Just being AROUND her makes me crazy with the idea of just BEING there. It's like a tug-o-war game replaying itself each and every time I get near her, walk away from her now or reach out and wrap your arms around her waist._ He couldn't help but laugh to himself over that one; comparing the most intensely lovable and confusing thing in the world to a simple game of tug-o-war. _I really should be comparing her with two dogs, ravenous with hunger, fighting over the same piece of raw meat, never wanting to quit, even if exhaustion was overtaking them. Yes, that's more like it._ Edward got up off of the couch in his room and began to pace, as he usually did when he was trying to make up his mind about going to Bella's and watching her sleep, or just ignore the strain of being away and turn up the nice, light jazz number that was playing from the stereo in his room. Just between go from the stereo to his car keys on the desk he could hear Alice's thoughts just outside of his room…_Can I come in?_ Of course she would already know what his choice would be just before he made it. Edward quietly walked over to the door without a sound and opened it to see Alice standing there looking at him with a puzzled frown on her face.

"Why can't you decide Edward?" was all she had to say for a sigh to escape his lips.

"Because it is probably the most difficult thing in the world for me to pick between; endangering her for the sake of my own…enjoyment? Yes, enjoyment. Or leaving her be and wallow around my room with the…substance…of my addiction just out of my arm's reach." _I know, that no matter how much I stumble over what I want to say, it's always there…ready to be said._ Edward flipped the words through his head gladly knowing that he was the only one in the family able to hear a person's thoughts.

_So why do you debate? This is the happiest we've seen you in years Edward…I know and you know that you can handle yourself around the temptation of human blood. _Alice always seemed to prefer to talk to Edward in the form of her thinking what she wanted to say, and him replying in words. Alice always seemed to like talking with him better that way and she did so whenever it wasn't necessary to speak out loud with him.

" I know this Alice, but you have NO idea how easily I could just, snap, and lose my control and kill her. I just…couldn't. I don't think that my happiness is worth the risk of her DYING Alice…Don't you see what could happen?" Edward found himself getting frustrated very quickly and wanted to just sit for a minute and think it out before Alice spoke again.

_Well you know, you could always just go...just once, and I could wait for you in the forest just outside of her yard, and just…think to you so that you can test if you can keep your…thirst, you know, test yourself a little bit. And I promise I won't let you hurt her, no matter what. If I see anything bad happening I will be up there easily, and in no time. What do you think?_ Alice thought to him in almost a quiet whisper.

Edward silently knew that he couldn't avoid it; he knew that he'd have to test himself to a higher level at some point.

"But I haven't had anything to drink since our last hunt, and that was almost a week ago Alice. And besides, what if you can't stop me? What if you're too late?" It finally felt _better_ to voice everything, all at once to Alice. They usually knew just about everything that everyone was feeling and thinking…it was impossible not to under the circumstances in their house; they all knew it. Yet, to actually be able to say every part of his thoughts…even the scariest and worst ones was more relaxing than his music.

_Well, we can at least try can't we? And don't over estimate yourself Edward, I am quite a bit stronger than I look; you of all people should know this._ Alice thought to him with a little bit of humor flicking through her thoughts.

_So it's decided…you're going Edward, and you know Alice will be there if you can't handle it._ He finally decided.

" Alright Alice, I'm going. WE'RE going." Edward reiterated his thoughts for Alice.

And just like that, they walked out of Edward's room and headed to his Volvo with Edward thinking to himself, wondering what he might do. He couldn't bear the thought.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

please R&R.


	2. Chapter 2

_You know, you don't have to do this, you can always turn back around and let Alice be. You know Alice, she'll understand._ Was all Edward could help thinking as he drove 100 miles per hour down the road. However hard he tried to forget the way to Bella's house, he knew it by heart.

"Edward, you can't turn back now, you're more than halfway to her house." Alice spoke in a clear voice, which made him jump because he was so use to him talking and her thinking. Before he could focus back to what he was doing, Edward found himself pulling quietly off the road a mile away from Bella Swan's actually property line. Wordlessly Alice and Edward climbed out of the car as silently as they had gotten in.

"Are you sure you're ready for this Alice?" Edward asked, even though he knew what she would say.

_You mean, are YOU ready for this Edward? And yes, I think you are…but you don't need my opinion it was clearly what you set out to do in the first place._ Alice thought back with more than a forceful tone.

They started briskly walking, even if Alice was a little bored with it and kept trying to pick up the pace to their usual startling fast run.

_I'm just going to take my time. There is no need to hurry the things that could happen._ He just couldn't stop the sick, twisted feeling that was overtaking his stomach. _Why do I feel so horrible about this whole thing?_ Regardless of the first thought Edward's brain switched directly to_ because you have a feeling you know what's going to happen._ And with that, they were there. Standing in the driveway. In a fast, nimble movement he was upstairs in Bella's room; the room he knew all to well. And there she was, lightly turned on her side breathing in her usual low and rhythmic tune that he had grown accustom to. He found himself beside her bed, reaching out for her slowly, ever so slowly. _What are you doing? Stop now, pull back, PULL BACK. Now you're touching her arm, but why? She's going to wake up Edward!_ As he thought about what he was doing, he was suddenly aware that Alice was grabbing his arm and pulling him so sharply that he fell on the floor with a horribly loud THUD. Just as the sound resonated through the room Bella sat up with a snap and stared, wide eyed at what was escaping through her window; a tiny girl that she new all too well as Alice Cullen and the gorgeous, addicting Edward Cullen.

When Edward finally was in control of what he was doing he was running. Running with Alice the way they came from the car. In no time he was at the car with Alice shoving him in the passenger side and she had already taken the keys out of his coat pocket without him noticing.

"Alice, why are you in such a rush? Nothing was happening! Don't you see? NOTHING WAS HAPPENING!" he could hear his voice growing in volume, but he didn't care. Alice took a deep breath and started the engine and preceded to drive home. After a while she looked at him, more studied him like she studied all of the humans at the school. She had her brow slightly furrowed and her mouth kept getting smaller, and smaller.

"Didn't you notice what was happening Edward? You were hungry. You were looking at her like you look at…like you look at what you're about to eat when we go hunting." Alice said in one, giant exhaling of air. That was the only sentence that he needed to finally make a connection.

_You were losing yourself Edward. You were turning into that beast that comes out when you hunt. Now what are you going to do? You can't see her again!…but even though you say that you know you will. You will, and you know it. _

Even though Alice didn't enjoy driving, she was a very good driver all the same. She was driving at 120 miles per hour and all you could see out of the tinted windows was the forest and fields going by at warp speed. As Edward fixed his eyes on the moving trees one thought entered his mind: _You know you're going back again tonight. And you know that you're going alone. You can't be away, no matter the risk._


End file.
